Rules of Tech Support - Users Will - 2022-05-30 Tech Support

Rules of Tech Support - Users Will - 2022-05-30

Posted: 30 May 2022 12:43 PM PDT

Also at https://github.com/morriscox/Rules-of-Tech-Support/blob/master/Rules%20of%20Tech%20Support%20-%20users%20will.md

The other sections of the Rules of Tech Support are available at https://github.com/morriscox/Rules-of-Tech-Support

Credits are listed there. The requirements for being listed here is that the main Rule must have "Users will" in it.

Users Will...

Rule W1 - Users will never follow instructions.

Rule W1A - If they do try to follow instructions, they will blame you if they screw up.

Rule W2 - No matter how much skill and knowledge and experience you have, users will claim they know more than you.

Rule W2A - No matter how much skill and knowledge and experience you have, users will claim others know more than you.

Rule W3 - Users will always try to talk with your manager.

Rule W4 - Users will delete or remove things they shouldn't, since they figure they don't need what they are removing or because it might "fix things".

Rule W5 - Users will believe one single thing is responsible for the current situation.

Rule W5A - Often they think you are that one single thing.

Rule W5A.1 - More often they are that one single thing.

Rule W5B - Telling them otherwise will only anger them.

Rule W5C - Unless asked, they have no reason for doing something. If asked, it is computering or wizardry.

Rule W6 - Users will try to make and use their own solutions and not accept blame when they don't work.

Rule W6A - If the solution happens to work, the user will think they are now qualified for future issues.

Rule W7 - Users will plug cords into places they shouldn't.

Rule W8 - Users will forget their password (and often their username), even if it's their own name and written down next to them.

Rule W9 - If a document fails to print, users will keep trying just to make sure it prints. See Rule 30C.

Rule W9A - The true importance of the documents they are trying to print will be inversely proportional to the fit they are throwing. See Rule 30C.

Rule W10 - Users will store important documents where they shouldn't. The Recycle Bin, the Trash folder, the Deleted Items folders...

Rule W10A - You will be blamed when things get deleted.

Rule W11 - Users will always call things by the wrong word(s).

Rule W11A - Users will often have one phrase for everything, like "The Internet is down".

Rule W12 - Users will refuse to take any training since they consider it to be a waste of time.

Rule W13 - Users will claim that they are not stupid even after ample evidence.

Rule W13A - A user's self-perceived intelligence is directly proportional to the level of condescension to which they treat you.

Rule W13B - The lack of knowledge a user has on a subject is proportional to the amount they claim to know about a subject.

Rule W14 - Users will be certain that the laws of physics and the (current) limits of technology do not apply.

Rule W14A - Users will believe that anything in a movie that involves technology is real.

Rule W15 - Users will never think to use a search engine for answers to their questions.

Rule W15A - When users do search, they will try to use GoogleBing.

Rule W16 - Users will use cheap equipment like surge protectors to protect their expensive equipment.

Rule W16A - Users will use cheap chargers for expensive items like smartphones.

Rule W17 - Users will refuse to accept that anything involving computers isn't too difficult for them.

Rule W17A - Or give up at the slightest obstacle.

Rule W17B - Users will refuse to accept that anything involving computers is too difficult for you.

Rule W18 - Users will wait for days or weeks or months before seeking help.

Rule W18A - Users will demand help at any hint of trouble.

Rule W18B - The longer it takes to report it, the more urgent the user will claim that it is.

Rule W18C - The time it takes to fix the issue is inversely proportional to the amount of time it took to report it.

Rule W18D - The problem has retroactively been your responsibility for the months or years the user never told you about it, not just for the 10 minutes since they did.

Rule W19 - Users will believe something that can only affect one device can affect others by their mere presence.

Rule W20 - Users will expect all devices to know that it is them.

Rule W20A - Users will believe anything that can connect to anything can completely control that thing.

Rule W20B - Users will believe one entity (a server or the cloud) controls all things digital, as well as time and space.

Rule W21 - Users will believe their desire for something to happen is sufficient for it to happen.

Rule W22 - If you fix something quickly, the user will not want to pay.

Rule W23 - Users will order stuff they have no clue about.

Rule W23A - They will plug it into your network.

Rule W23B - And demand you support it.

Rule W23C - While the DHCP server, and the rest of the network, crashes.

Rule W23D - This will be your fault.

Rule W24 - Users will expect you to teach them stuff they should have learned in school.

Rule W24A - That users should have learned in primary school.

Rule W24B - Users will think that a single course is sufficient.

Rule W25 - Users will try to do things like type in uppercase numbers.

Rule W26 - Users will be unable to find the correct button or menu. Or correct anything.

Rule W26A- They might not even be on the correct screen, page, website, or operating system.

Rule W27 - Users will click on things that say "Click Here!" or "Download Now" just because they think they are supposed to.

Rule W27A- Unless that "Click Here!" or "Download Now" button is the one they are actually supposed to click on.

Rule W28 - Users will try to use their computer while you are working on it, especially if you are not present.

Rule W28A - Users will get mad that you have to kick them off the computer to fix the problem.

Rule W28B - No matter how important it was that you had to do so.

Rule W28C - Any attempt to justify your actions will just get you in more trouble.

Rule W29 - Users will claim something can't be done, even if you are doing it.

Rule W29A - Users will claim that something impossible worked before.

Rule W29B - Despite all evidence to the contrary, users will insist that things having worked yesterday means they must also be working today.

Rule W29C - In fact, it always worked that way before, even if doing so would have been physically impossible.

Rule W30 - Users will go out of their way not to read or learn something.

Rule W31 - Users expect to be rewarded for their mistakes.

Rule W32 - Users will hand expensive items to kids, even if it's work property.

Rule W32A - And leave the kid(s) alone with said expensive items.

Rule W32B - And not fix anything that might happen. See Rule W18.

Rule W33 - Users will claim to have credentials that they don't.

Rule W34 - Users will use jargon in an attempt to make it seem that they know what they are talking about.

Rule W34A - Users will make up their own jargon and expect you to understand it as though it was standard jargon everyone knows.

Rule W35 - Users will insist on not using products that are better than what they are currently using.

Rule W36 - Users will call you from anywhere, even in a speeding car about to go into a canyon.

Rule W36A - Users will call from anywhere except in front of the equipment with the issue.

Rule W37 - Users will see no link between something they did and something breaking.

Rule W38 - Once you've touched something, whether you fixed it or not, users will blame you for all further issues.

Rule W38A - And expect you to provide free support for all further issues.

Rule W39 - Users will confuse a company with the products that they make.

Rule W39A - Users will confuse a company with products that it doesn't make.

Rule W40 - Users will expect you to know everything about their computer at home even if you only deal with large corporate systems.

Rule W41 - Users will give permission for something and then get mad when you make use of it.

Rule W42 - Users will have liquids near their equipment.

Rule W43 - Users will repeatedly need help with the same task.

Rule W44 - Users will store stuff in places other than you ask them to, if they can.

Rule W45 - Users will either ask for help at every step what they should do.

Rule W45A - Or do things they shouldn't do without asking.

Rule W46 - Users wanting support for a phone will use that same phone to call you.

Rule W47 - Corporate users will expect you, instead of their boss or training department, to train them on how to do their job.

Rule W48 - Users will want you to do their job for them.

Rule W48A - And insist that it is, in fact, YOUR job, not theirs.

Rule W49 - Users will complain about your security measures but will claim that you should have done a better job when things go wrong.

Rule W50 - Users will give the wrong name of a product, even with the name right in front of them.

Rule W51 - Users will confuse you with other/previous techs.

Rule W52 - Users will refuse to do anything that improves things for them yet go out of their way to make things difficult.

Rule W53 - Users will be confused about how case-sensitive works.

Rule W54 - Users will assume that websites have www as a subdomain unless they are supposed to actually use www.

Rule W55 - Users will not know the phonetic alphabet, and will suggest the worst possible words. They will also refuse to use the ones you've previously used in the current conversation.

Rule W56 - Users will believe every hoax.

Rule W57 - Users will turn things off and NOT back on again.

Rule W58 - Users will be certain that IT has infinite faster/shinier/better gear that they are keeping for themselves.

Rule W58A - The more they want that gear the less they need it.

Rule W59 - Users will believe that it's safe to connect anything to the Internet.

Rule W60 - Users will complain that their equipment is too old, even if freshly acquired.

Rule W61 - Users will be a lot more cautious if they have to pay upfront. Make sure they pay upfront for as much as you can.

Rule W62 - Users will never read the manual.

Rule W62A - Only those who know what RTFM means will do it.

Rule W62B - It doesn't matter how accessible you make the documentation, they won't consult it.

Rule W63 - Users will misuse equipment and in very creative ways.

Rule W64 - Users will expect everything to work without power.

Rule W64A - Users will not realize that they need power.

Rule W64B - Users will think that the Internet/network powers their devices.

Rule W65 - People will ask you for help with anything that uses electricity.

Rule W65A - Or anything that doesn't.

Rule W66 - Users will complain about the cost of free software.

Rule W67 - Users will have a certificate of proficiency in computering.

Rule W68 - Users will do things other than what they have been asked to do.

Rule W69 - Users will think that if it works on their computer then it will work on yours.

Rule W70 - Users will think that you can make hardware changes over the phone/Internet.

Rule W70A - Users will believe that techo-kinesis exists.

Rule W71 - Users will complain if they are inconvenienced, even if you go out of your way to help them.

Rule W72 - Users will use search engines to find other search engines.

Rule W73 - Users will create and rename a new document thinking that will retrieve the contents of the old document that they had deleted.

Rule W74 - If there is more than one button, users will instantly click on the first button without reading. If there is only one button, they will stop and ask what to do.

Rule W75 - Users will think that logging out is the same as rebooting.

Rule W76 - Users will insist on being ignorant, or claim that they are.

Rule W76A - Since they don't want to be held responsible for their actions.

Rule W77 - Users will flirt with you to get you to do things for them.

Rule W78 - Users will insist on you going outside the scope of your job and threaten to have you fired if you don't.

Rule W79 - Users will unplug things or plug them in in the incorrect place.

Rule W79A - Users will unplug the UPS so they can plug in their coffee maker or space heater.

Rule W79B - Users will plug everything into a surge protector and ignore the UPS.

Rule W79C - Users will plug heavy duty equipment into the UPS.

Rule W80 - Users will turn off alarms or anything that makes alarm sounds.

Rule W81 - Users will think that your software/setup is responsible for any issues they face.

Rule W82 - Users will think that if one thing works then everything else will.

Rule W83 - Users will ask you questions about things that you didn't even know existed.

Rule W84 - Users will mash buttons until errors go away.

Rule W85 - Users will not give you the entire error code or message.

Rule W85A - And/Or ramble on about other things.

W86: Users will refuse to troubleshoot, because it takes too much time.

Rule W86A - Users will then complain about being unable to work for an even longer time.

Rule W87 - Users will simply click "Yes" or "OK" to anything that pops up on their screen without bothering to read it or understand what they are clicking.

Rule W87A - Or will close anything that pops up on their screen without bothering to read it or understand it.

Rule W87B - Users will do this even when you are helping them in-person or remotely and needed to have read or seen what they just clicked.

Rule W88 - Users will not even let you get to your desk or have lunch.

Rule W88A - They will think you are late no matter how early you show up.

Rule W89 - Users will turn off their computer while you are working on it.

Rule W89A - Even if you tell them not to.

Rule W90 - Uses will do everything to avoid submitting a support ticket.

Rule W90A - They will spend more time writing a long detailed email to your boss than filling out a support ticket.

Rule W90B - You will be summoned by your boss, who didn't read more than two lines, to explain that email.

Rule W90C - This will be the first time that you will have been told about any problems.

Rule W91 - Users will casually tell IT about a problem when the tech is working on something else.

Rule W91A - This has been happening for a long time.

Rule W91B - Multiple people have been having this problem yet no one has bothered to tell anyone. See Rule W90C.

Rule W92 - Users will use you as a scapegoat.

Rule W93 - Users will use screenshots to submit error codes but leave out critical information.

Rule W94 - Users will unable to take screenshots in time if allowed to.

submitted by /u/morriscox
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They're always watching...

Posted: 30 May 2022 01:21 AM PDT

Okay, so this happened a week or two ago, and it has just stuck with me, living rent-free in my head. Since it's really not a good tenant, I decided I should share it with people, so that maybe I can get my mind back from it.

I work for a large computer hardware manufacturer, and we sell am optional support contract along with all of our machines. There's different levels, but I work in the one right below the "Enterprise Support" level for Tech Support. It's intended for small to medium businesses, but we get the occasional home user who wanted to pay for the "really good support". Yay us.

So I get this call, and immediately see that the case has been open for like... 3 months. For reference, our cases are usually only open for a week or two, if they're not closed on the first call. This gets me curious, so I start perusing the notes.

The user complains initially that he needs a new motherboard. Okay, we can do that. But we need a decent reason why.

I begin down my normal path, asking some questions to clarify why he needs a new motherboard, and split my attention between his out-of-breath rant and the case notes.

Now, this guy has gotten a LOT of parts replaced for a normal case, and we just mailed them to him, which we're NOT supposed to do without verifying they actually own, or more importantly, have the system in their possession. Some might think this weird, but there's a LOT of fraud in the industry. You'd be surprised, if you weren't a tech person. As an aside, if we send a technician with the part, they verify the system before we put it in. So far, everything had been parts only, and the customer flat out refused a tech.

Hmmmmm. The plot thickens. Time for a bit more digging. I look at the list of replaced parts, wondering just what we've given him so far. Part numbers start flying, technical descriptions pop up, and I slowly decode the list.

The list includes:

Hard drive, parts only - Never completed the security stuff the first time, but the second rep gave him the part. Which is totally against policy.
Second hard drive, with an image of Windows
Memory, two sticks
A third, imaged hard drive.

Not to mention two work orders for parts and labor that were cancelled because I only need the parts.

Now, why would someone need more hard drives than god, and extra memory? Well, someone with a pesky Virus! Or something like that. The notes literally read "customer has security concerns" at several points.

Oooookay. A little weird, but not totally out there, I think.

I was so very, very wrong.

At one point, the conversation goes like this:

Me: So, what leads you to think the motherboard needs to be replaced?

Customer: Well, I know that someone is monitoring my computer, and the hard drives and memory didn't fix it. I can tell when I turn on my computer that they're monitoring it.

Me, tilting my head like a confused puppy: What do you mean someone is monitoring your computer?

Customer: Well, like with a virus. I think I've got a BIOS Virus, so I want to swap out the motherboard. I already pulled the battery on it, and the settings are all still there, so that didn't reset anything.

Queue a brief discussion on resetting the BIOS, and what gets reset

Customer: Well, thats not what the last rep told me! And I found the instructions online, but it didn't work!

Me: Okay, well, we can possibly replace a motherboard, I just need to ask a few more questions...

Customer: Okay, go for it

Me: So, how do you know someone is monitoring your computer? What gives it away?

Customer: I can hear it.

Now, some of you may be thinking that this is a fan issue, and he's just hearing his system boot up. Some of you may believe he can hear a Hard Disk spin up, and thinks its a bug.

Both of you would be wrong.

Me: What can you hear?

Customer: The communications satellite above my house. Every time I turn on my computer, I hear the satellite kick on, and I know They're (Capital T) listening!

Now, I've worked in tech support and customer service for going on 12 years at this point. I've taken just about every call I thought I could take, and I've taught people how to do my job.

None of that prepared me for the crazy I heard this day.

This guy goes on a rant about how someone(The government, Bezos, Skylink, etc) is listening in on his computer usage, and how he's talked to the police, the FAA, the military, and they've all told him he's crazy. He's been getting us to send parts because he thinks he has a virus, and for 3 months (THREE) I am the only one who has ever asked why he thinks he has a virus.

It was like the dams broke under the assault of the Ents, and I was Isengard, getting ravaged by the flood.

The whole time he's ranting, I'm messaging a supervisor and notating EVERYTHING, and writing up an email to the owner of the case, their manager, MY manager, and the night manager I've been talking with.

The supervisor straight up tells me no, we're not replacing the motherboard for this. Absolutely no way. I'm totally cool with this. Except that I now need to figure out how to get this guy off my phone before I leave for the night. The call has already gone on for an hour, and I've needed to pee for the last thirty minutes. I'm desperate.

Then it hits me. Just agree with them... aggressively.

I start playing into this guy's delusion, telling him that this is pretty serious, and way above even our lofty paygrade. I apologize, and let him know that we won't replace the motherboard, since it would only slow down his pursuers. The virus will come back, and its not something that we can really help with.

The line that finally got him was this:

"Sir, I hate to say this, but if someone has the resources to deploy a BIOS Virus, and a communications satellite to track you, [Company] cannot compete with that. You need to speak with a security firm, or someone specialized in cyber security."

He took a bit, but he finally agreed with me, and I ended the call.

Only somewhat related, but that email I wrote? I never once called the customer insane, crazy, delusional, or any other number of things I wanted to say. My call was done. This was no longer my problem. Higher paid people than me got to deal with this now.

What I did say, that I was particularly proud of, was this:

"I do not know where we need to go from here, but I do not think that [Company] can provide this customer with the assistance he needs."

The case has since been closed, we did send him a motherboard, and there were no notes on the closing. Just confirmed the parts had been shipped, call him twice with no answer, and closed the case.

Its over...

For now.

submitted by /u/SigurSanctoris
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Breaking News

Tech Support

Monday, May 30, 2022

Rules of Tech Support - Users Will - 2022-05-30 Tech Support

Rules of Tech Support - Users Will - 2022-05-30 Tech Support

Users Will...

Rule W1 - Users will never follow instructions.

Rule W3 - Users will always try to talk with your manager.

Rule W4 - Users will delete or remove things they shouldn't, since they figure they don't need what they are removing or because it might "fix things".

Rule W5 - Users will believe one single thing is responsible for the current situation.

Rule W6 - Users will try to make and use their own solutions and not accept blame when they don't work.

Rule W7 - Users will plug cords into places they shouldn't.

Rule W8 - Users will forget their password (and often their username), even if it's their own name and written down next to them.

Rule W9 - If a document fails to print, users will keep trying just to make sure it prints. See Rule 30C.

Rule W10 - Users will store important documents where they shouldn't. The Recycle Bin, the Trash folder, the Deleted Items folders...

Rule W11 - Users will always call things by the wrong word(s).

Rule W12 - Users will refuse to take any training since they consider it to be a waste of time.

Rule W13 - Users will claim that they are not stupid even after ample evidence.

Rule W14 - Users will be certain that the laws of physics and the (current) limits of technology do not apply.

Rule W15 - Users will never think to use a search engine for answers to their questions.

Rule W16 - Users will use cheap equipment like surge protectors to protect their expensive equipment.

Rule W17 - Users will refuse to accept that anything involving computers isn't too difficult for them.

Rule W18 - Users will wait for days or weeks or months before seeking help.

Rule W19 - Users will believe something that can only affect one device can affect others by their mere presence.

Rule W20 - Users will expect all devices to know that it is them.

Rule W21 - Users will believe their desire for something to happen is sufficient for it to happen.

Rule W22 - If you fix something quickly, the user will not want to pay.

Rule W23 - Users will order stuff they have no clue about.

Rule W24 - Users will expect you to teach them stuff they should have learned in school.

Rule W25 - Users will try to do things like type in uppercase numbers.

Rule W26 - Users will be unable to find the correct button or menu. Or correct anything.

Rule W27 - Users will click on things that say "Click Here!" or "Download Now" just because they think they are supposed to.

Rule W28 - Users will try to use their computer while you are working on it, especially if you are not present.

Rule W29 - Users will claim something can't be done, even if you are doing it.

Rule W30 - Users will go out of their way not to read or learn something.

Rule W31 - Users expect to be rewarded for their mistakes.

Rule W32 - Users will hand expensive items to kids, even if it's work property.

Rule W33 - Users will claim to have credentials that they don't.

Rule W34 - Users will use jargon in an attempt to make it seem that they know what they are talking about.

Rule W35 - Users will insist on not using products that are better than what they are currently using.

Rule W36 - Users will call you from anywhere, even in a speeding car about to go into a canyon.

Rule W37 - Users will see no link between something they did and something breaking.

Rule W38 - Once you've touched something, whether you fixed it or not, users will blame you for all further issues.

Rule W39 - Users will confuse a company with the products that they make.

Rule W40 - Users will expect you to know everything about their computer at home even if you only deal with large corporate systems.

Rule W41 - Users will give permission for something and then get mad when you make use of it.

Rule W42 - Users will have liquids near their equipment.

Rule W43 - Users will repeatedly need help with the same task.

Rule W44 - Users will store stuff in places other than you ask them to, if they can.

Rule W45 - Users will either ask for help at every step what they should do.

Rule W46 - Users wanting support for a phone will use that same phone to call you.

Rule W47 - Corporate users will expect you, instead of their boss or training department, to train them on how to do their job.

Rule W48 - Users will want you to do their job for them.

Rule W49 - Users will complain about your security measures but will claim that you should have done a better job when things go wrong.

Rule W50 - Users will give the wrong name of a product, even with the name right in front of them.

Rule W51 - Users will confuse you with other/previous techs.

Rule W52 - Users will refuse to do anything that improves things for them yet go out of their way to make things difficult.

Rule W53 - Users will be confused about how case-sensitive works.

Rule W54 - Users will assume that websites have www as a subdomain unless they are supposed to actually use www.

Rule W55 - Users will not know the phonetic alphabet, and will suggest the worst possible words. They will also refuse to use the ones you've previously used in the current conversation.

Rule W56 - Users will believe every hoax.

Rule W57 - Users will turn things off and NOT back on again.

Rule W58 - Users will be certain that IT has infinite faster/shinier/better gear that they are keeping for themselves.

Rule W59 - Users will believe that it's safe to connect anything to the Internet.

Rule W60 - Users will complain that their equipment is too old, even if freshly acquired.

Rule W61 - Users will be a lot more cautious if they have to pay upfront. Make sure they pay upfront for as much as you can.

Rule W62 - Users will never read the manual.

Rule W63 - Users will misuse equipment and in very creative ways.

Rule W64 - Users will expect everything to work without power.

Rule W65 - People will ask you for help with anything that uses electricity.

Rule W66 - Users will complain about the cost of free software.

Rule W67 - Users will have a certificate of proficiency in computering.

Rule W68 - Users will do things other than what they have been asked to do.

Rule W69 - Users will think that if it works on their computer then it will work on yours.

Rule W70 - Users will think that you can make hardware changes over the phone/Internet.

Rule W71 - Users will complain if they are inconvenienced, even if you go out of your way to help them.

Rule W72 - Users will use search engines to find other search engines.

Rule W73 - Users will create and rename a new document thinking that will retrieve the contents of the old document that they had deleted.

Rule W74 - If there is more than one button, users will instantly click on the first button without reading. If there is only one button, they will stop and ask what to do.

Rule W75 - Users will think that logging out is the same as rebooting.